Today marks the contest at Brenda Drake's blog. It's worth visiting and participating because the prizes are just fantastic. VISIT HERE to read all the other submissions.
The next two days invite the submissions and on the 9th, we're to post our revised first lines on Brenda's post. That said, onto my first line.
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Name: J.W. Parente
Title: Bond of Darkness
Genre: Epic Fantasy
Valence kept his hands concealed, but the fabric of power tingling through him screamed for attention—that, and the poison slowly killing him.
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Enjoy and best of luck to all!
Peace and Writing Love,
JWP
very interesting! :)
ReplyDeleteHi Justine
ReplyDeleteThat provoked a definite "ooh!"
The power oozing through him had Valences' attention that, and the poison slowly killing him.
The above is a just one possible.. suggestion ;) Fabric and tingling are not strong words
Love it. I think it has changed since we've known each other. It's strong.
ReplyDeleteOoo... a powerful first line. I loved 'the fabric of power'but the word tingling doesn't feel quite right in the context of the whole sentence. Having said that, it is difficult to judge one sentence without the others!
ReplyDeleteOooh. It's nice to see and epic fantasy start off with a character and not description or world building. I'm more intrigued by the poison than the power of magic. If you feel the need to change anything I'd move the "fabric of power" into a second sentence. Perhaps as his motivation to fight the poison. Or I'm babbling.
ReplyDeleteEither way, great job.
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ReplyDeleteOh man this is good. Love the action and tension. Very well done...I'd definitely keep reading!
ReplyDeleteYes! I love this one. Intriqing!
ReplyDeleteVery intriguing first line!
ReplyDeleteDude, that was awesome!
ReplyDeleteIts a little choppy at the end by adding the poison as an afterthought. And I wondered if the power flowing through him was evident in his hands, and that is the reason he's keeping them concealed?
Maybe something like: Valence kept the power burning in his hands concealed as he concentrated on the poison that was killing him.
Thats still rough, I know, but something like it will keep the powerful impact of the statement.
I like how you've introduced the MC and conflict in the first sentence. This is proactive.
......dhole
I would enjoy reading more. Good job.
ReplyDeleteInteresting name choice for the MC, I like it.
ReplyDeleteAgree that "tingling" doesn't infer a screaming need for attention. Can the power course, burst, burn, etc?
I also think it would be stronger without the reference to the hands.
Great start. I'd read more.
Thanks for sharing!
You've set up good tension. I agree that "tingling" doesn't feel like the right word since "screamed" follows it.
ReplyDeleteExcellent first line. I've noticed some of the wonderful critiques you've given other participants -thanks. Great job and good luck! :D
ReplyDeleteI would delete "fabric of" for two reasons: 1) reading "hands concealed" and then fabric made me think those two things were connected, like his hands were concealed in the fabric. 2) It would make the sentence tighter.
ReplyDeleteI liked it, and would keep reading.
I see validity in the comments above, but I also think the sentence works as it is. It gives us a reason to keep reading and it opens into intrigue right away. Only suggestion I have is that the comment about the poison feels like a second sentence now. or at least, like it needs a semi-colon instead of a dash. Great hook.
ReplyDeleteDeleted my post to fix a typo. *Face palm*
ReplyDeleteOoh! I love this! I agree with the other comments about the fabric and tingling don't really work for me. Maybe the fabric of power fluttering over him? :) Based on this first line, I'd absolutely read on.
Thanks for commenting on my line too!
Great start. May I suggest: "Valence kept his hands concealed, but power surging through him screamed for attention—along with the poison that was slowly killing him."
ReplyDeleteThis is a really strong first line.
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