So in this latest version of my query, which I believe I will use until I hit that dreaded 1:10 ratio (that is 1 partial or full request to every 10 agents queried), I am struggling on this one line.
I'd like to see what you all think and maybe you can give me the idea if it means something to the plot (in such few words) or if I am just getting hung up on it.
So, below is my query, and the line in bold is the passage in question. Should it stay in or out? What does it add?
* * *
BOND OF DARKNESS follows a cast in a gritty world of unforgiving secrets, clashing magic and murderous lineages. The manuscript is complete at 115,000 words.
When a deadly infection resurfaces, Valence becomes the pawn of a vicious conflict dating back to the first race of men, but the return of the infection also brings the rebirth of the Warlord who created it. He is thrown into the fires of war, but as revealed secrets amass, Valence cannot be sure if his motives are his own. With the destructive Pearls of Mithrus in his control, he is also granted unparalleled insight into the infection’s history. Valence suspects that he is linked to the Warlord, whether by blood or across time, and races to uncover the mystery of his involvement in the new war against the infection.
[Redacted paragraph about Agent specifications]
Thank you for considering my manuscript.
* * *
I hope you can help me through this.
Bye for now!
JWP
Okay, couple of things:
ReplyDeleteHe is thrown into the fires of war, but as revealed secrets amass, Valence cannot be sure if his motives are his own. With the destructive Pearls of Mithrus in his control, he is also granted unparalleled insight into the infection’s history.
1st: In these two sentences the "he" is a little confusing. Maybe reorder so it's clear you mean Valence and not the warload.
2nd: I think you keep the sentence. The Pearls are an important aspect of the story. It's the relic that ties it all together...
Anyway, that's my 2 cents.
All right Kendra, thanks! I just thought the plot pitch was getting too clunky, but you're absolutely right.
ReplyDeleteYou should keep the sentence but re-write it. Didn't you have it worded different the last time you showed this to me...oh...last night? Did you change it? Or am I just thinking of a previously shown query? Anyway, the line seems awkward and I can see where your concern is, but I'm sure that if you reword it, it could work.
ReplyDeleteCan I suggest:
With the destructive Pearls of Mithrus in his control, he is also granted unparalleled insight into the infection’s history.
"With the destructive Pearls of Mithrus, dangerous tools used by the Warlord during the first outbreak of the infection, Valence is granted rare and valuable insight into the infection's history, and a possible way to stop it. Now, suspicious to the possibility of being linked to the Warlord, whether by blood or across time, Valence races to uncover the mystery of his involvement in the new war against the return of the infection."
<3 Tara! =D
Ooo, I like that suggestion on changing the last two lines. I'm going to trim out "during the first outbreak of the infection," but otherwise, a great suggestion. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteYou can assume nothing less of me. ;D
ReplyDeleteLikewise on my comments to everything else I read of yours.
ReplyDelete