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Although this scene will probably scraped, at best maybe reused, here's an example of magic in my world. The scene is from my manuscript, Bond of Darkness.
* * *
“One chance,” the voice said, copying Valence’s words. “You got it.”
The poison surged and Valence faltered as he attempted a step. Black-Skin hadn’t turned to regard him.
“Focus everything you have left. Tap your reserves. Don’t reach too far. I’ll hold off the poison.”
Valence spat a dribble of blood and glared at One-Horn’s muscle-parting back side. He eyed two shifting patches of skin, drawing a target. He circled One-Horn in his mind, forming the path for the magic to travel. Valence took the Pearls up, balling them tightly in his palms, and pushed on his will. The channel for the incantation grew wide, breaking the boundaries of the center aisle. Not much was left of it after One-Horn’s tirade, but enough to use as an anchor. The pinched the channel off with a grunt, closing any small escape.
Black-Skin raising his saber to King Pallanza broke the door open on the channel.
“Zinthos Ragnora!” Valence shouted. The channel roared, a whirlwind of force pushing the bloody, unoccupied Imperial armor aside. A white luminescent glow thrummed around his body as the magic rushed out of the Pearls. It pulsed and drove forward, catching the full width of the channel.
Black-Skin swiveled, disappearing behind One-Horn as it turned its face into the ethereal blast.
One-Horn’s skull went left while its body tore right off the bones. Muscles displaced, quivering in the heavy gust, and splattered to the floor like chunks of fresh steak. Its legs were taken from under it, disintegrating to nothing.
When the channel closed off, the static charge of the Pearl magic left frost clinging to the pew remains. The shadow of Black-Skin came for him, but Valence dropped. His weight crashed through the marble it felt, tumbling endlessly.
He’d awake in the clouds, wondering if he would remember Black-Skin killing him.
I definitely would read more. You have me intrigued about what happened before this and what happens next.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing.
I love the imagery of the whirlwind of force bursting through the channel. Very powerful.
ReplyDeleteEdge of Your Seat Romance
A nice bit of writing! You should definately 'recycle' this if you can. A great description of what I think of as 'battle magic' (I know I know but I can't help it, I always name things).
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing it with us!
Tessa.xx
ps. don't forget to pop in on March 30th for a list of the finalists you can then vote on!
A nice description of dark magic and how that can affect the characters. Good job.
ReplyDeleteNancy
N. R. Williams, The Treasures of Carmelidrium.
An interesting set of mechanics for the magic, and definitely an element to use elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteIntense. Though, I don't know if it's just my computer but I couldn't read some of the words of one paragraph because of the globe application that shows view locations. It got in the way a little bit. I liked the ending in particular, because of how well you wrote that part in particular. The word choices were great.
ReplyDeleteI hope it doesn't get scraped. I thought the Perls were an integral part of Valence's use of elemental energies to focus his "magic".
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed getting to see this in action. Your world has such interesting denizens and energy forces.
Thanks for the glimpse into how Valence uses his magic.
......dhole
Hi, Justin,
ReplyDeleteAction packed. A terrific battle scene using dark magical forces. I liked it all. But if I can make a suggestion?
On the last paragraph I think it would read better as, "He woke in the clouds, wondering if he'd ever remember Blackskin murdering him."
Interesting mechanism for magic! The excerpt reads fast and smooth, like all good action scenes should. You should use this if you can, but I know it's hard to fit everything you like into a story. Sometimes you need to kill your darlings, after all.
ReplyDeleteBlake
Gruesome magic. I got sucked in.
ReplyDeletevery intense scene and the last line was great.
ReplyDeleteOoo, lots of action here! Awesome!
ReplyDeleteThanks for participating!
This was great. The writing is definately, definately good. I just felt that I didn't really know what was going on, because I don't know what the rest of the story is. So I don't know what the Pearls are or who King Palenza is or what the "channel of the incantation means," so I kind of felt like "wow...that was really interesting, but I had absolutely NO idea what just happened." I'm sure if I read your story I would feel differently. :-)
ReplyDeleteTwo quick comments:
1) I don't like the word dribble. Spit dribbles. But when you spit BLOOD, blood shouldn't dribble or be a dribble.
2) Its legs were taken from under it, disintegrating to nothing. This could be stronger by a) making it passive and b)changing the second clause. disintigrating to nothing is too common for this amazingness.
Good luck in the contest!
<3 Gina Blechman
I agree with Gina - great writing and very intense, but I have no idea what is going on. Still, I found myself rooting for the good guy, so it was a nice bit of magic! :)
ReplyDelete