Saturday, August 14, 2010

Weather Blogfest

This blogfest is brought to you by Nick Fretz @ A Little Slice of Nothing. The link is provided to the fest page and list of participants.

This excerpt is from my manuscript and features a swiftly moving thunderstorm on my cast. Please don't butter up the comments. If there is something you do not like, point it out. Enjoy!

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Oh Shit, Is That...

They approached the checkpoint at the tunnels.

A man in a cotton vest stood up from his chair and held out a walking stick to prevent them. His weather worn skin had a deep tan to it. Creases pulled at the corners of his eyes and mouth. “You heading up?”

“We are,” Valence said. “We have business in Huhrdek.”

“The Dwarves be having troubles up there. Best not to disturb them.”

“He said we have business in the city,” Gerad affirmed. “Do you need our papers, or will this be enough?” He flashed the sleeve of his doublet and the guard stepped aside.

“Sorry ‘bout that. Stick to the paths.” He pointed his stick over Valence’s shoulder. “Got a storm rolling in and you don’t want it sweeping you.” He eyed Melana and Kyona next.

“They’re coming with us,” Valence said.

“You sure about that?”

“I’m tougher than most of the men in this town,” Kyona said. “We’ve got it covered.”

“Whatever, I ain’t going to stop ya.”

Valence looked back to the rumbling clouds shifting toward the mountains. They were coming from the North. From Agress. He hoped that all was well in the kingdom they had left behind. They had left the king very near the grasp of Sevestra. The thick of clouds were moving frighteningly quick, if not by nature’s doing, then by something trying to impede their advance. The grays were shifting to black. Lightning illuminated the sky through the cloud cover and thunder followed on its heels.

Melana touched Valence’s shoulder and turned him around. Her lips quirked up at the corners with an earnest expression. “We should really move if we want to beat it.”

“Right,” Valence said. The sky lit up across the expanse of the land. Something did not feel right.

Valence led them up from the town, having been given a rope by the guard before leaving. Tying themselves together, the guard had said, would prove wise. Not long after reaching the top of the path, Valence secured their bodies together at the waist. The winds ripped at them, but the first Vessel lay in only one direction. Up.

One hour into the path, the clouds opened and revealed the brunt of the storm. Torrential rains pounded at them and made the walk more treacherous. Forks of lightning spread across the sky, thunder in its wake and shaking the very body of the mountain. Pebbles slipped down the side of the vicious steeps and crushed into the watery slide their path had become.

Valence paused. He wiped his face and ran his fingers over his eyes to clear his vision. He shielded a hand over his eyes and peered out across the plains. The wind churned and changed direction.

“We need cover,” Valence yelled over the rain. “This storm is not letting up anytime soon.” Unsure if his words had reached the group tied behind him, he shouted again.

Gerad looked out from behind Melana, his hand at his ear.

“We need cover! The storm—”

A massive growl hung over them and the rain pricked more like icicles on their skin. The resonating thunder drew near and lightning shot out from the clouds.

Valence glanced up, water stinging his eyes. Thick slabs of rock broke free from the mountain. Chunk after boulder cascaded down the slopes toward them and Valence yanked the rope.

“Run!”

They fought to run up the watery grave of the path, but to no avail. The slabs crashed down behind Kyona and missed her.

A second deadly bolt fired at the mountain. Chains leapt from cloud to cloud, idle in their charge, and struck down. The timeless attack of the storm, fed from nature and some devious means, had found them.

Water surged down the path. A harsh tug came at his waist and nearly pulled him from his feet, but Valence gripped to a rock. He stole a glance behind him. Melana had found something to hook into, her knees slowly giving away, but Gerad and Kyona were not as fortunate. They lay in the path behind Melana, being drowned by the mud and water.

A fierce charge of lightning snapped and freed an entire portion of the mountain onto them.

Gerad yelled back, waving his hand, but Valence could not hear the warning.

Melana screamed, her cheeks flushed.

The strain on Valence’s waist was released and he watched horrified as Gerad and Kyona slid down the path. Melana shrieked and reached out, but Valence snagged her arm and pulled her to his body. The slabs of rock crashed down short of them in thick bombardments and tumbled at their friends. Melana released one final scream, her voice scratched with agony, but their friends had vanished behind the torrent of water and rocks.

12 comments:

  1. This leaves a hanger here at the end, which is well done by the way. This is a good posting for the weather blogfest. I didn't participate but I'm reading a few. My suggestion, go back through and look for word redundancy. There are a couple of places you use the same word like "eyes" twice one right after the other

    ex: "He wiped his face and ran his fingers over his EYES to clear his vision. He shielded a hand over his EYES and peered out across the plains."

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  2. Hi,

    It's a really wet day today, ain't it! ;)

    Most of the characters I've encountered are either treading mountain paths or climbing ridges in jungles in treacherous conditions, nonetheless I've enjoyed the trek with all of them: yours no different.

    Great atmosphere here, and great tension.
    best
    F

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  3. Well written. Palpable tension. Your characters sure get themselves in some fixes.

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  4. The weather here is a formidable force - a character itself. Good drama, good tension.

    Nice Work.

    ........dhole

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  5. ACK!!!

    Dude! I was reading faster and faster.

    I honestly have nothing to offer here but my applause (I almost said 'thundrous applause' but that's just a wee bit cliche LOL).

    This is spot on and gripping. Can't think of a single thing that seemed off pitch.

    Definitely, my favorite excerpt of yours I've read so far. Fantastic.

    ~bru

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  6. Tense and dramatic, with weather, as Donna put it, a character itself in that it is so vivid.

    My favorite line: Forks of lightning spread across the sky, thunder in its wake and shaking the very body of the mountain.

    My one quibble is a small one: He wiped his face and ran his fingers over his eyes to clear his vision. He shielded a hand over his eyes and peered out across the plains.

    You have here "over his eyes" twice, which reads a little awkwardly. Maybe what you could do is combine the two sentences somehow?

    Overall, your entry was well-done!

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  7. I do like the piece overall. There was one spot where I was sort of confused. There is the hinting that the weather might be created, not so natural, but then near the middle before the mass chaos ensues with disaster I wasn't sure what was going on. It says something about the storm having found them. Is the storm supposed to be humanized? I know some might like that but it draws me out of it a bit.

    It does have plenty of tension and the weather is key for this section of the story.

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  8. 1. "Chunk after boulder cascaded..." : Chunks of boulders cascaded...

    2. "Chains leapt from cloud to cloud, idle in their charge, and struck down." : Literal chains? You mean of lightning...suggestion: "Lightning spat between the clouds..."

    By the way, spur of the last moment thing, I'm entering the Weatherfest.

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  9. Weather was a living breathing character here. And your descriptions...you really are a visual one aren't you. And you created plenty of tension and atmosphere here.

    Some spelling and I agree with Amanda and Summer about the EYES thing.

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  10. This is an awesome piece, very harrowing. I found myself holding my breath. I stumbled on the massive growl hanging over them. I thought some beast had appeared on their path. And the chains line, too. Overall it has a lot of drama and tension.

    Great weather! that rebel, Olivia

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  11. Such vivid imagery, and an excellent cliffhanger. A couple of bits I was unsure of:

    "Pebbles slipped down the side of the vicious steeps and crushed into the watery slide their path had become." Somehow I don't like the word 'crushed' here. Perhaps you meant 'crashed'?

    And I was unsure what exactly happened to Gerad and Kyona: "They lay in the path behind Melana, being drowned by the mud and water." Were they just laying there, or were they struggling? Did they slip or get hit by falling rocks?

    Sorry if I'm nit-picking, but overall I really liked this entry!

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  12. This had a lot of good tension but I think sometimes your description is getting in your way-- like maybe you're trying too hard to create new ways to convey the images, and then it comes off a bit awkward. A few examples, since you asked, and feel free to come over to my blog and get revenge if you like!

    "The thick of clouds were moving frighteningly quick,"
    I know what you're trying to say, but "The Thick of Clouds" is a singular object with a plural verb, for one, and also, not a very clear image. It's kind of vague and unimpressive.

    "Pebbles slipped down the side of the vicious steeps and crushed into the watery slide their path had become."
    Vicious Steeps and Pebbles crushing into a watery slide are all kind of odd images. I feel like you meant Slopes, not steeps, and crashing, not crushing-- it feels like an imprecision of language, or maybe just a fondness for the thesaurus, as opposed to a new way to describe an image. The watery slide by itself isn't necessarily problematic, but at this point in the sentence, it's just too much, and it slows your action down while we muddle through to get to what you're trying to make us see. Maybe just The Watery Slide of the path. As opposed to "their path had become" which is awkward and slows things down.

    "Chunk after boulder cascaded"
    Cascade is a great verb to use here for what's happening. Chunk after Boulder dilutes it-- feeling more like a forced change of a second usage of chunk or boulder. It's okay to give us a familiar usage or expression here or there.

    Also as the people above mentioned the chains leaping from cloud to cloud-- all you really need there is maybe an insertion of what the chains are made of--Lightning. Maybe you could get away with static or just plain light. Don't force it! and if you want to make it more action-y, keep your sentences shorter. Get us to the THREAT of the sentence faster and make it punch. Sometimes using and slows things down more than just making another short sentence for the action you're tacking on. If that makes sense?

    "Lightning illuminated the sky through the cloud cover and thunder followed on its heels."
    This is really clear and concise. No unnecessary adverbs, nothing awkward. Just a nice clean image.

    you've got a great cliff hangar here. Just remember that action happens quickly and Lightning in particular is FAST. Don't let the excess description slow your storm down and dilute the ferocity!

    I hope that helps! I think describing weather is really tough--balancing between the action and the emotion. I know I struggled a lot with mine. Please don't hate me!

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