tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8203490140720564138.post7033791088074508219..comments2023-10-29T04:15:00.121-04:00Comments on In My Write Mind: Weather BlogfestJustin W. Parentehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05951018201906897315noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8203490140720564138.post-90309218499487446492010-08-15T12:50:27.738-04:002010-08-15T12:50:27.738-04:00This had a lot of good tension but I think sometim...This had a lot of good tension but I think sometimes your description is getting in your way-- like maybe you're trying too hard to create new ways to convey the images, and then it comes off a bit awkward. A few examples, since you asked, and feel free to come over to my blog and get revenge if you like!<br /><br />"The thick of clouds were moving frighteningly quick," <br />I know what you're trying to say, but "The Thick of Clouds" is a singular object with a plural verb, for one, and also, not a very clear image. It's kind of vague and unimpressive. <br /><br />"Pebbles slipped down the side of the vicious steeps and crushed into the watery slide their path had become." <br />Vicious Steeps and Pebbles crushing into a watery slide are all kind of odd images. I feel like you meant Slopes, not steeps, and crashing, not crushing-- it feels like an imprecision of language, or maybe just a fondness for the thesaurus, as opposed to a new way to describe an image. The watery slide by itself isn't necessarily problematic, but at this point in the sentence, it's just too much, and it slows your action down while we muddle through to get to what you're trying to make us see. Maybe just The Watery Slide of the path. As opposed to "their path had become" which is awkward and slows things down.<br /><br />"Chunk after boulder cascaded" <br />Cascade is a great verb to use here for what's happening. Chunk after Boulder dilutes it-- feeling more like a forced change of a second usage of chunk or boulder. It's okay to give us a familiar usage or expression here or there.<br /><br />Also as the people above mentioned the chains leaping from cloud to cloud-- all you really need there is maybe an insertion of what the chains are made of--Lightning. Maybe you could get away with static or just plain light. Don't force it! and if you want to make it more action-y, keep your sentences shorter. Get us to the THREAT of the sentence faster and make it punch. Sometimes using and slows things down more than just making another short sentence for the action you're tacking on. If that makes sense?<br /><br />"Lightning illuminated the sky through the cloud cover and thunder followed on its heels."<br />This is really clear and concise. No unnecessary adverbs, nothing awkward. Just a nice clean image.<br /><br />you've got a great cliff hangar here. Just remember that action happens quickly and Lightning in particular is FAST. Don't let the excess description slow your storm down and dilute the ferocity! <br /><br />I hope that helps! I think describing weather is really tough--balancing between the action and the emotion. I know I struggled a lot with mine. Please don't hate me!Amalia Dillinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13005039978668326144noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8203490140720564138.post-36783270260510402072010-08-15T03:46:57.857-04:002010-08-15T03:46:57.857-04:00Such vivid imagery, and an excellent cliffhanger. ...Such vivid imagery, and an excellent cliffhanger. A couple of bits I was unsure of:<br /><br />"Pebbles slipped down the side of the vicious steeps and crushed into the watery slide their path had become." Somehow I don't like the word 'crushed' here. Perhaps you meant 'crashed'?<br /><br />And I was unsure what exactly happened to Gerad and Kyona: "They lay in the path behind Melana, being drowned by the mud and water." Were they just laying there, or were they struggling? Did they slip or get hit by falling rocks?<br /><br />Sorry if I'm nit-picking, but overall I really liked this entry!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8203490140720564138.post-76224285152634348652010-08-14T23:08:11.333-04:002010-08-14T23:08:11.333-04:00This is an awesome piece, very harrowing. I found ...This is an awesome piece, very harrowing. I found myself holding my breath. I stumbled on the massive growl hanging over them. I thought some beast had appeared on their path. And the chains line, too. Overall it has a lot of drama and tension.<br /><br />Great weather! <a href="http://thatrebelwithablog.blogspot.com" rel="nofollow">that rebel, Olivia</a>Olivia J. Herrell, writing as O.J. Barréhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01107021392937169669noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8203490140720564138.post-34138158673042440402010-08-14T22:09:18.493-04:002010-08-14T22:09:18.493-04:00Weather was a living breathing character here. An...Weather was a living breathing character here. And your descriptions...you really are a visual one aren't you. And you created plenty of tension and atmosphere here. <br /><br />Some spelling and I agree with Amanda and Summer about the EYES thing.Nicole Murrayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09605448429334684845noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8203490140720564138.post-83362428182861924442010-08-14T19:41:09.526-04:002010-08-14T19:41:09.526-04:001. "Chunk after boulder cascaded..." : C...1. "Chunk after boulder cascaded..." : Chunks of boulders cascaded...<br /><br />2. "Chains leapt from cloud to cloud, idle in their charge, and struck down." : Literal chains? You mean of lightning...suggestion: "Lightning spat between the clouds..."<br /><br />By the way, spur of the last moment thing, I'm entering the Weatherfest.Tarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04478514831738668393noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8203490140720564138.post-34087014752104760312010-08-14T18:17:42.623-04:002010-08-14T18:17:42.623-04:00I do like the piece overall. There was one spot wh...I do like the piece overall. There was one spot where I was sort of confused. There is the hinting that the weather might be created, not so natural, but then near the middle before the mass chaos ensues with disaster I wasn't sure what was going on. It says something about the storm having found them. Is the storm supposed to be humanized? I know some might like that but it draws me out of it a bit.<br /><br />It does have plenty of tension and the weather is key for this section of the story.Dawn Embershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00214560861614476799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8203490140720564138.post-54039617420500154172010-08-14T17:58:45.149-04:002010-08-14T17:58:45.149-04:00Tense and dramatic, with weather, as Donna put it,...Tense and dramatic, with weather, as Donna put it, a character itself in that it is so vivid.<br /><br />My favorite line: Forks of lightning spread across the sky, thunder in its wake and shaking the very body of the mountain.<br /><br />My one quibble is a small one: He wiped his face and ran his fingers over his eyes to clear his vision. He shielded a hand over his eyes and peered out across the plains.<br /><br />You have here "over his eyes" twice, which reads a little awkwardly. Maybe what you could do is combine the two sentences somehow?<br /><br />Overall, your entry was well-done!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8203490140720564138.post-35166640169980301262010-08-14T17:27:07.056-04:002010-08-14T17:27:07.056-04:00ACK!!!
Dude! I was reading faster and faster.
...ACK!!!<br /><br />Dude! I was reading faster and faster. <br /><br />I honestly have nothing to offer here but my applause (I almost said 'thundrous applause' but that's just a wee bit cliche LOL).<br /><br />This is spot on and gripping. Can't think of a single thing that seemed off pitch.<br /><br />Definitely, my favorite excerpt of yours I've read so far. Fantastic.<br /><br />~bruFebruary Gracehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01078037856070486022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8203490140720564138.post-48264188866033491722010-08-14T13:49:41.711-04:002010-08-14T13:49:41.711-04:00The weather here is a formidable force - a charact...The weather here is a formidable force - a character itself. Good drama, good tension.<br /><br />Nice Work.<br /><br />........dholedolorahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08715849844092553699noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8203490140720564138.post-82345505870625085882010-08-14T11:07:41.300-04:002010-08-14T11:07:41.300-04:00Well written. Palpable tension. Your characters su...Well written. Palpable tension. Your characters sure get themselves in some fixes.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07995267172282765794noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8203490140720564138.post-47476316697729192372010-08-14T10:48:18.155-04:002010-08-14T10:48:18.155-04:00Hi,
It's a really wet day today, ain't it...Hi,<br /><br />It's a really wet day today, ain't it! ;) <br /><br />Most of the characters I've encountered are either treading mountain paths or climbing ridges in jungles in treacherous conditions, nonetheless I've enjoyed the trek with all of them: yours no different. <br /><br />Great atmosphere here, and great tension.<br />best<br />FFrancine Howarthhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02326542867876257042noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8203490140720564138.post-34684281495841598102010-08-14T10:27:34.676-04:002010-08-14T10:27:34.676-04:00This leaves a hanger here at the end, which is wel...This leaves a hanger here at the end, which is well done by the way. This is a good posting for the weather blogfest. I didn't participate but I'm reading a few. My suggestion, go back through and look for word redundancy. There are a couple of places you use the same word like "eyes" twice one right after the other <br /><br />ex: "He wiped his face and ran his fingers over his EYES to clear his vision. He shielded a hand over his EYES and peered out across the plains."Summer Rosshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08122694893668693244noreply@blogger.com