Today is the throw down for Jodi's very unique Query Letter Blogfest! Find all of the participants and her re-hash of the rules of play for the fest back at her page.
The idea was to post your query for commentary to your dream agent. You need to critique at least ten queries. It's a guideline.
Here is my query to my dream agent. I have two who I would really love to work with.
* * *
Dear Jennifer Jackson (or) Matthew Bialer,
A magical aberration called the Darkness has manifested across Villis-Idun and only the Light of the Universe can suppress it. Valence is a needle in the prophecized haystack, or so it seems when he learns he is the Light. Charged with fighting an infection that drives its victims to madness, he does not know where to start the journey.
While the infection readies itself to bring the last war of man, Valence learns there is a second enemy, one on his level: the Shadow of the Universe. Balter Mithrus is returning to finish his proclaimed duty to his people. With that including destroying Villis-Idun through the Darkness, Valence cannot allow it to happen.
Valence accepts the mantle as the Light of the Universe and brings along trusted allies on the road. The deeper they go, he learns the infection is older than most people know. Its birth dates back to the age of the Seentirulian, the first race and literal children of the gods. He cannot help but wonder what he has been pulled into, for if the Seentirulian played a hand in the creation of the Darkness, all hope the people have will be lost.
BOND OF DARKNESS is an epic fantasy, complete at 103,000 words.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Justin W. Parente
Writing as J.W. Parente
www.jwparente.blogspot.com
You made some great changes on this, Justin. My only comment right now would be to up the presence of the antagonist in the last paragraph. He kinda disappears.
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteTo be honest here, you could drop the middle paragraph and nothing would be lost from the plotline. There are an awful lot of "names" to contend with in middle paragraph, and it took me three rereads before I could grasp each and every one in context beyond that of Valence.
Just my humble opinion. ;) Shoot me down if you so desire.
best
F
Morning,
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Francie. I read this it as is before, read her comment this morning and read it her way, and the second paragraph doesn't offer anything but a second plot arc and a whole lot of names.
I think you could hone it and drop the second paragraph. THis would open your word count to personalize (which I know you want to do anyway:) you last paragraph.
Thanks for the comments.
J
Overall, the novel sounds interesting. The light versus dark does get done often in general, but I think the story that this query shows is one that is going to be different and intriguing. There is one element that I'm not sure how to feel about and it's one that I kept thinking about even as I played a wii mario game, lol. The infection as it is described here sounds like it is capable of conscious thoughts. It reads to me like it knows what it's doing and is preparing for another onslaught, which I can't figure out what to do with that information. It sounds a bit odd and I'm not sure if it was your intention to personify an infection or not. That's what really stood out from the query for me.
ReplyDeleteNice work and good luck with the novel.
@Francine: Thanks for the advice. I realize with some other people pointing it out that Shadow actually isn't necessary right now. At the heart of Bond of Darkness, it's always Valence versus the infection. Shadow is a sidelines character for most of the story.
ReplyDelete@Dawn: That's exactly what I'm doing. It is not seen as much in the first manuscript, but in the second which I am well into now, the infection grows intellect and thought. It's good though that you found it conveyed in this query. Thanks for pointing it out.
Hi Justin!
ReplyDeleteI love the premise of the story. Great comments above, and if I may, I'd like to mention a few little niggles that snagged me as I read the letter:
"Valance is a needle in a [prophesied] haystack" This metaphor is really confusing to me. The proverbial needle in a haystack means something which it will be impossible to find. Which doesn't seem to fit Valance because he has been "found" and told that he is the light. Do you mean to suggest he feels himself to be a small cog in a big machine, or a small fish in a big pond? I don't know, but it did have me scratching my head!
I agree with the others - the second para is a distraction from the excitement!
Would it take too long to say anything else about the allies other than that they were trusted? The reference is so casual that it almost feels like they are just any old people! (yes I know it says trusted, but they don't seem to be important) It would be better if they were his "sworn allies", or if he were "accompanied by a motley crew of misfits who were bound by a common purpose" .... well you know what I mean! An extra dozen words here could make them seem as if they are meant to be there.
"The deeper they go," ought to be followed by "the more they ..." In this case it might read better as "As they go deeper," Deeper not further? Is there a significance in deeper? (i.e. are they going deeper into the ground) or is it a question of delving deeper in a metaphorical sense? In which case "go" is not a sufficiently clear verb to use.
"all hope the people have will be lost" would be a lot punchier as "all hope will be lost" (after all who else but "the people" would have hope?!)
I hope these observations help.
:Dom
I got here to late to add much of value. Dom and the others pretty much covered everything I saw.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the too many names and the second paragraph being a distraction from the main event. If you lose the second paragraph you can work in a few words about those trusted companions.
I love the idea of the infection being sentient and antagonistic. This is a fascinating idea and hope to read it someday.
Thanks for your comments on my query.
Hey Justin,
ReplyDeletesounds like an interesting story. I think you could loise the "needle in a haystack, or so it seems" line. DO give me a sense of the character when he finds out he's the Light, though. I also think !'d want a little more to make me care about Valence.
Hope this helps.
Hi Justin! So, did you fix this after all the comments? I don't see what the problem is with the 2nd paragraph. Maybe I just don't know what I'm talking about - highly possible. I really have nothing to say about it. It wasn't too long and sounds like a very interesting read!
ReplyDeleteI like this. You do a good job of setting up the main problem and the conflict in the first paragraph. Personally, I'd like to know more about Valence, how old is he, why is he important, what's his motivation beyond being charged with a mission?
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me Valence is just going through the motions as the chosen one. I'd like to see some personal stakes beyond the possible mass destruction to really make me latch on to Valence and his quest.
All in all, this is very good. Good luck with it.
Dan
Sanguine Musings
Nice premise...below ARE MY THOUGHTS AS i READ feel free to ignore.
ReplyDeleteA magical aberration called the Darkness has manifested across Villis-Idun and only the Light of the Universe can suppress it. (BE CAREFUL WITH USING YOUR WORLD BUILDING AS A PREMISE FOR THE STORY. STORIES ARE ABOUT PEOPLE IN THESE PLACES. IT MAY BE BETTER TO START WITH A PERSON.) Valence is a needle in the prophecized haystack, or so it seems when he learns he is the Light. Charged with fighting an infection that drives its victims to madness, he does not know where to start the journey. (HERE WE MEET A PERSON. WHEN YOU MENTIONED NEEDLE, I THOUGH TOWER. NOT SURE WHAT JOURNEY YOU ARE REFERRING TOO AND HOW THIS APPLIES TO THE FIRST PARAGRAPH.)
While the infection readies itself to bring the last war of man,(INFECTION READIES? IS THERE A PERSON OR WHO IS DRIVING THIS INFECTION?) Valence learns there is a second enemy, one on his level: the Shadow of the Universe. Balter Mithrus is returning to finish his proclaimed duty to his people. (HERE YOU MENTION SOMEONE ELSE, BUT WHO IS HE? WHAT DUTY? WHAT PEOPLE?) With that including destroying Villis-Idun through the Darkness, Valence cannot allow it to happen.
Valence accepts the mantle as the Light of the Universe and brings along trusted allies on the road. The deeper they go, he learns the infection is older than most people know. Its birth dates back to the age of the Seentirulian, the first race and literal children of the gods. He cannot help but wonder what he has been pulled into, for if the Seentirulian played a hand in the creation of the Darkness, all hope the people have will be lost
A GREAT PREMISE BUT I WAS CONFUSED. I THINK YOU ARE SETTING UP YOUR WORLD RATHER THAN SETTING UP YOUR PLOT AND CHARACTERS. WITH FANTASY ITS A HARD BALANCE. GOOD LUCK!
I think that if you started with Valence from sentence one it would build a connection quicker. I do have a concern with the amount of names in the query - its a little confusing. I'd also really like to know why Valence in charged with fighting the infection - is he a doctor? Sounds really interesting!
ReplyDeleteThis is a very intriguing premise. I don't have anything to add to the others comments. Your query did keep me interested. So, there are two threats actually? One from the a magical level and the other at his human level? That is so cool. I'm going against everyone else here and say I'd keep that in. Of course, it's only my opinion and I could be totally wrong, but that's my gut feeling.
ReplyDeleteCopy editing stuff:
-you spelled prophesied wrong
-This sentence needs reworking. Or it could just be me but I'm not understanding its meaning --> With that(needs comma here) including destroying Villis-Idun through the Darkness, Valence cannot allow it to happen.
-This sentence is structured wrong - try this --> The deeper they go, the more he learns the infection is older than most people know.
I hope this helps and well done!! :D
I've read and enjoyed too many of the excerpts to comment much here Justin. And you already know I'm offering to beta read/critique. I'm engaged (dare I say engrossed) in this story already.
ReplyDeleteThe only feedbaack I'll offer is to delete or rewrite the line "He cannot help but wonder . ." It is cliche and uninventive and your novel is anything but cliche. Everything but the line is original and proactive.
Good luck JW.
........dhole
Each version of your query gets better and better. The conflict is clearly outlined here, except you have 2 antagonists: Darkness & Shadow. I'm not really fond of that, and I'd pare down to one if you can.
ReplyDeleteYour character, Valence, I really know nothing about from this query. I'm attached to him because I've read bits of your novel, but the query doesn't tell me anything about Valence except he's the chosen one. Can you make him more unique or engaging to me?
Stakes are defined. Darkness = bad, Darkness = take over world!
I think that you need to focus the stakes/conflict around Valence, use your character to center you. I'm not sure if I'd keep all the world-building bits or not. World-building is your strong point, but in a query, it might be rough for the reader to understand what's going on. You're selling your character+conflict, not the setting.
Hope this helps, Justin. I want to see BoD in print some day!
Scribbler to Scribe
These guys have a lot of good points. Here's mine.
ReplyDeleteA magical aberration called the Darkness has manifested across Villis-Idun and only the Light of the Universe can suppress it. (aND i ALMOST STOPPED READING RIGHT HERE. i'VE SEEN THIS PLOT SO MANY TIMES i'M BORED WITH IT. aFTER READING THE REST OF YOUR QUERY i'M GLAD i CONTINUED, BUT i WOULD SWITCH THIS UP AND START WITH YOUR MAIN CHARACTER.)Valence is a needle in the prophecized haystack,(CLICHE) or so it seems when he learns he is the Light.(HOW DOES HE LEARN THIS?) Charged with fighting an infection that drives its victims to madness, he does not know where to start the journey.(WHY WAS HE CHARGED WITH THIS?)
While the infection readies itself to bring the last war of man, (I'M CONFUSED. LAST WAR OF MAN DOESN'T TELL ME MUCH, AND SINCE THIS THING IS SENTIENT IT'S NOT REALLY AN INFECTION ANY MORE.) Valence learns there is a second enemy, one on his level: the Shadow of the Universe. Balter Mithrus is returning to finish his proclaimed duty to his people.(bSLTER BETTER BE THE SHADOW. iT'S NOT ENTIRELY CLEAR HE IS AND SINCE THIS IS A QUERY I'D KEEP IT TO ONE ANTAGONIST.) With that including destroying Villis-Idun through the Darkness, Valence cannot allow it to happen.
Valence accepts the mantle as the Light of the Universe and brings along trusted allies on the road. The deeper they go, he learns the infection is older than most people know. (THIS SENTENCE ID AWKWARD AND YOUR MEANING GETS LOST IN IT.)Its birth dates back to the age of the Seentirulian, the first race and literal children of the gods. He cannot help but (VERY PASSIVE VOICE HERE.) wonder what he has been pulled into, for if the Seentirulian played a hand in the creation of the Darkness, all hope the people have will be lost.
(WELL THERE YOU GO. HOPE IT HELPS SOME. I LIKE THE ENDING.)
I think you need to have a better hook. With fantasy, you need to have some worldbuilding within your query, that's a given, but I think trying to hook with it is difficult.
ReplyDeleteI didn't care for the "needle in the prophecized haystack" but that's nit-picky so leave in if you want. :)
I agree with the others, the second paragraph isn't necessary.
Love the idea of the infection. Maybe you could use the infection in you hook? And I love the title. Good luck with this!
Hello! Thanks for commenting on my query. Lots of advice to think about for sure.
ReplyDeleteI haven't had a chance to read through all of your comments. I hope I'm not too redundant.
P1 - How can Valence be the proverbial needle in the haystack if he is the Light?
Charged with, sounds like he was accused of trying to stop the infection. In the same sentence, though, he wonders how to begin his journey. If he was accused he probably wouldn't be on a journey.
P2 - I get the introduction of Balter but it isn't necessary to hook the story.
P3 - Casually mentioning Valence accepting his calling as the Light made the process seem ho-hum, or insignificant which negates the opening of your query.
Should The Infection be capitalized throughout? It seems like a title by the end of the query.
". . .all hope the people. . ." sounds like we all hope the people will do something. Maybe just make it, "All hope will be lost."
Great job! Good luck!
Thanks Justin,
ReplyDeleteYou really made several helpful suggestions for my query. I wish I can do the same for you. I couldn't get to crit because I had my own blogfest going on, so I am starting so much later.
Overall a great premise. As stated before I would loose the second paragraph.
There are a lot of names and if you could simplify some of your sentences it would be an easier and more exciting read.
Michael
Hi Justin, let me start by saying I don't read a whole lot of epic fantasy type stories, but it sounds like an intriguing idea.
ReplyDeleteSo many have already given some great advice, but I agree with WriterzBlock that I would prefer to have Valence mentioned in the first sentence. Give us the protagonist right away.
Other than that, the only thing that tripped me up a bit was ... "With that including destroying Villis-Idun through the Darkness, Valence cannot allow it to happen." Something about having two "ing" words back to back was distracting to me. Maybe think about changing it to "including the distruction of"?
Hey, Justin! Your story sounds really cool, and I'm always up for some Light vs. Dark action. My two cents includes starting with Valance, and maybe giving us a little background on him. Like the other commenters said, we don't know much about him, which means we don't know why we should care about him yet. The whole Light vs. Dark thing sucks for him, as he's in the middle of it, but that's about all we get.
ReplyDeleteBecause we need worldbuilding in SF and Fantasy, we writers get a little bit of leeway in the word count (and just FYI, I've seen successful Romance queries that were about 450 words long, so I wouldn't sweat the 250-350 word count rule that much ;) ). Right now, we don't know much about how Light and Dark work in Valance's world, or really what Mithrus has to do with a lot of it. Obviously, they're both forces to be reckoned with, but we don't know how or why.
Hope this helps. Take what works and leave the rest, my friend.
You might try switching sentences 1 and 2 in the first paragraph. I think it still reads well and is catchier.
ReplyDeleteAlso at the end of paragraph 2 and the beginning of 3 why does the protag accept the mantle, what drive his personal decision?